5 Cs of Relationships

As I see most of my peer group from school, college and colleagues finally settling down in matrimony, it takes me back a long time to my teenage days when this fascination for getting into a perfect relationship first germinated.

The endless discussions with friends on love marriage versus arranged marriage and what qualities you look for in your life partner questions were done to death those days. Many die-hard proponents of love marriage ended up in proper matrimony suggested by parents and incredibly some seeda-saada chupe rustoms ended up with life partners of their choice. ( No names here :) )

As brash youngsters we start life imagining we have all the answers and total control of our lives; Only with time and experience the truth dawns on us, its not so simple. Sitcoms like How I Met your Mother and F.R.I.E.N.D.S play on the question which  is on the mind of very single person on this planet – 

When will I meet the right person and more importantly how will I know ?.

There is a romantic answer when it happens when it happens but as a Engineer/MBA I had to drill it down to a formula. ( ya right :P )

Here goes 5 Cs of the perfect relationship

Chemistry:- The first spark in any relationship is the irresistible attraction which is often irrational when hormones begin to rage. Chemistry has a role to play in a relationship, unfortunately people attach to much importance to it than needed as youth/looks are transient.  

Compatibility:- I never believe the old adage opposites attract. A shared context and values which can take a relationship forward when the heady attraction subsides. The question comes into my mind is do you see yourself with this person 50 years from now.

Convergence:- Sometimes we meet the right kind of person and we do seem to get along like fire but then unfortunately there is no convergence in goals or dreams. Such kind of relationships are quite troublesome while you do want to make them work but the burden of killing your dreams doesn't make them worth it. Long distance relationships often brings in long lasting cracks instead.

Communication: In every relationship, there are bound to be disagreements and small annoying flaws, but the only way to deal with them is open dialogue and communication. Talking aloud makes all the difference. I am not saying ranting and going ballistic is going to help, but soft spoken objective interactions can go a long way in soothing nerves and making that difference.

Conviction: People today lack the patience and conviction to make a relationship work. Its all lovey-dovey at first, but at the first sign of trouble, people crumble and seek the exit route. This only leads to a series of unfulfilled relationships which leaves one emotionally exhausted. In life there are bound to be ups and downs, it is better to have that one anchored relationship which can help you navigate through life instead of drifting aimlessly.

Finally be it a man or a woman have faults, its remarkable how two imperfect beings seek a perfect relationship. But by adhering these 5 principles, any relationship can be improved greatly.

First Love

Bittu was very excited today because she was going to come home today. He always hated his mom's music classes for years. But for past few weeks his mind had changed.
He never believed in love or cheesier concepts of love at first sight, but he was having second thoughts now. There was something about her which drew him so explicitly.

He was never uncomfortable with attention before. Girls had always found him cute and loved to pull his cheeks. He totally hated that but he was ready to make an exception
for her. Although he was so excited with the new feelings but he was bit confused. Life had become fuzzy in the last few weeks, it became the waits between the times she would
come in for her singing classes.

Man, she had the voice and the eyes of an angel. He worried if she knew how he felt, also if she felt the same way. Somehow he wanted a way to know how. One thing he knew asking
her out straight away would be too risky, play it cool. Next time, she came over he asked her, he greeted her, She replied “Hi Bittu how are you ?”, hmmm Sona you err...want to watch a movie.
“Sure only if you will you buy me popcorn?. but only Caramel ok". Man that was easy, Bittu thought with a sigh of relief.
His feelings were not hidden from his parents, especially his Mom.Mom asked what “Bittu challa (loads) feelings for Sona aah ?”. Bittu blushed taken in partly by surprise mostly by shock.
But slowly he admitted “yes I love her. Mom should I tell her?” Mom said “ No Beta let me talk to her, waise aren't you too young for this?”.
Next time Sona came for classes, Bittu was hiding in his room peeking with anxiety and excitement what will she said. But Mom knows best. She asked “Sona will you marry my Bittu?”
Ouch, very subtle Mom so very subtle, there goes any chance of even looking at her face to face forget giving this relationship a chance. Sona blushed for a second, she said
“why not Aunty, Bittu is so cute”. Wow that was easy. Days went by, as we spent time together life seemed perfect. But one day everything came crashing down....

Sona's mother came over one day. She came with sweets and greeted Mom. “Charulatha, Sona's marriage is fixed, boy is MBA and works with the IT industy and works in Gurgaon.Ladka is very nice”.
Mom said, “ great news Saritha, good good so Sona will relocate then.” Bittu felt he got hit by lighting. The feelings and dreams which felt so real came crumbling down.

That devilish girl, she led me on for so long. Why? My parents instead of raging and taking my side, are congrating that girl and her family. Is this what love stands for? Why was I such a fool?
Even though, the bitter pill of betrayal was hard to take, his undying love for Sona was even more hurtful. Why could he not forget her, why does she still seem the angel he fell for.

Sure she was older than him, She 23 years old and him all of 4 years.

Love still hurts doesnt it. Yes Bittu will learn to love again, but that first flush of emotions will always remain special. First Love indeed :-)

PS: Loosely based on a true story

My Top Five Favourite Movie Moments

I was watching Munnabhai MBBS and saw one of my really favorite movie moments and was inspired to think about the really wonderful movie moments which have stayed with me over the recent years.

Number 5 – V for Vendetta

The protagonist V who is an freedom fighter/terrorist who breaks into the official news channel of a fascist British Government and ignites the minds of the masses who have been subdued by a dictator for several years now. It is not a well known movie so I am reproducing the dialogue for better context.

“Good evening, London. Allow me first to apologize for this interruption. I do, like many of you, appreciate the comforts of every day routine- the security of the familiar, the tranquility of repetition. I enjoy them as much as any bloke. But in the spirit of commemoration, thereby those important events of the past usually associated with someone's death or the end of some awful bloody struggle, a celebration of a nice holiday, I thought we could mark this November the 5th, a day that is sadly no longer remembered, by taking some time out of our daily lives to sit down and have a little chat. There are of course those who do not want us to speak. I suspect even now, orders are being shouted into telephones, and men with guns will soon be on their way. Why? Because while the truncheon may be used in lieu of conversation, words will always retain their power. Words offer the means to meaning, and for those who will listen, the enunciation of truth. And the truth is, there is something terribly wrong with this country, isn't there? Cruelty and injustice, intolerance and oppression. And where once you had the freedom to object, to think and speak as you saw fit, you now have censors and systems of surveillance coercing your conformity and soliciting your submission. How did this happen? Who's to blame? Well certainly there are those more responsible than others, and they will be held accountable, but again truth be told, if you're looking for the guilty, you need only look into a mirror. I know why you did it. I know you were afraid. Who wouldn't be? War, terror, disease. There were a myriad of problems which conspired to corrupt your reason and rob you of your common sense. Fear got the best of you, and in your panic you turned to the now high chancellor, Adam Sutler. He promised you order, he promised you peace, and all he demanded in return was your silent, obedient consent.”

It is a fantastic scene, especially in the post 9/11 scenario, or even if you consider closer home, the mindset of certain politicians offering security and strong governance who vilify the Muslim community and take a us versus them stance. Secondly creating a campaign of fear,death and destruction. It is remarkable even the tyrannical dictators in the Muslim countries and the Taliban project the western world as a threat and brainwash the people by propaganda,fear,and control through censorship. The strong message from this scene despite all pressures, we must never lose ground and hold our political class accountable to us instead of the other way around.

Number 4 – Munnabhai MBBS

The Parsi Dr. Rustam's old father who has lost the will to live and gives up eating is brought to the hospital and is administered saline drips. Munna bhai and Circuit play a game of carrom to revive the old man's spirits. The touching message from the moment is that at any stage of life, its the will to live and something to look forward too in life which keeps a man going. The legendary dialogue being ..”carrom khelanu, juice piyanu .. Mazzani life !!”

Number 3 – Kal Ho Na Ho

I know it could offend some purists that a Karan Johar flick comes in my top 5 list, but the scene when saif is going to propose to preity, she comes and tells him that she loves SRK and if she is mad enough to think if he will accept. Saif says “koi pagal hi hoga joh tumse pyaar nahi karega abhi jao” with such intensity, that really stayed with me for every guy who has ever had a crush on a good friend and he had to tell her the right thing, that she go for the other guy. Friendship winning over personal feelings is so bitter sweet !

Number 2 – The Dark Knight

Although critics and fans rave about the Joker's performance and his anchary the character for whom I really felt strongly about in the movie was Harvey Dent, a sane morally strong man who is reduced to a n psychotic killer who loses all his faith and belief in the world and system.

“You thought we could be decent men in an indecent time. But you were wrong. The world is cruel, and the only morality in a cruel world is chance. Unbiased. Unprejudiced. Fair.”

The solution which the batman could give the people was the need to have faith, and he takes the fall for the crimes committed by Harvey.

"Sometimes people don't need the truth, they deserve something better... they need to have their faiths rewarded."

The irony being Alfred his butler burning Rachel's letter telling Bruce Wayne that she loves Dent and wants to marry him and lets Bruce believe that one day Rachel would have come back to him underlying the fact even a superhero is vulnerable and needs faith more than truth was the fantastic climax to this brilliant movie. I wished this movie picked up more Oscars than it really did.

Number 1 – Lagaan

The villagers are upset with Bhuvan, that he pit them in this impossible match against the British and vow not to assist him in this foolhardy mission. Bhuvan and the young boy Tipu play the game in the centre of the village to attract the attention of the village folks. “Koi badi baat nahi Tipu,hum isle gilli danda kehte hai aur angrez isse crickut”.

He misses the ball twice, the entire village watches the 3rd ball, and the hopes, fear and tension of the villagers mount and Bhuvan sends the ball crashing to the temple bell and the mute guy Bhagga joins the team and slowly people's faith is won step by step. For me, that moment of gaining the faith of the people was a far more satisfying scene than the 1 hour plus cricket match climax.

So these were my favorite top 5 movie moments, the one which closely missed out the list was Forrest Gump, who goes back to save his friend Bubba in Vientam war zone. Bubba is fatally wounded, has a look at Forrest, smiles and says “I knew you would come back for me” and dies. The sheer beauty of true friendship and faith was conveyed so subtly by the director.

These were my favorite movie moments so tell me what was yours ?

Love, Friends and Sitcoms

One interesting thing to notice regarding the themes running common in the most popular sitcoms in the era :- F.R.I.E.N.D.S , How I met your Mother and Coupling ( BBC Brit Comedy I am addicted to these days) is love and friendship. Why are these two themes so universal, I guess the reason is that these are two relationships which a person chooses for himself and it is not imposed by him by nature or society. 

It is also bit ironic, that the relations in which we have the greatest freedom to choose, makes us the most vulnerable. These are the relationships which give us the greatest joy and despair. Guess, that is the price we have to pay for the freedom.

The inspiration for this post is me watching back to back episodes of How I met your Mother season II for past 2 weekends which I finished shortly before starting this post. So the main characters in this serial really represent the various views people hold regarding a relationship. 

Ted – Who believes in true love and the concept of finding the one and yes bit unlucky in love

Robin – an independent woman who finds commitment and marriage unacceptable

Lily and Marshall – The college sweethearts who have been eternally together and symbol of true love for all other friends in the group. I guess we all have such a couple in our friend circles although you do admire them but there is always a tinge of envy if we too could find some one special like that.

Barney - A chronic bachelor who loves the single life who seems shallow and callous on the surface but does have a warm side as good friend who however is cynical towards the some one special concept.

The season 2 beings with Lily and Marshall broken up and Ted and Robin getting together. The journey sees ups and downs for both couples with Lily and Marshall getting married whilst Ted and Robin breaking up for good at the end of season.

One more interesting dimension of this serial, it is set in the future Ted telling his children how he met their mother. It is known to the viewers that Robin is not the some one special but Ted does not know that yet and he believes in the magic of this current relationship and goes through it with smiles and tears on the way. 

The beauty of the serial lies in the fact the true identity of the mother is never revealed but it always ends with the promise of a better tomorrow for Ted.

Life often does not follow plans perfectly but it often turns out more perfect than planned. Keep the faith !