5 Cs of Relationships

As I see most of my peer group from school, college and colleagues finally settling down in matrimony, it takes me back a long time to my teenage days when this fascination for getting into a perfect relationship first germinated.

The endless discussions with friends on love marriage versus arranged marriage and what qualities you look for in your life partner questions were done to death those days. Many die-hard proponents of love marriage ended up in proper matrimony suggested by parents and incredibly some seeda-saada chupe rustoms ended up with life partners of their choice. ( No names here :) )

As brash youngsters we start life imagining we have all the answers and total control of our lives; Only with time and experience the truth dawns on us, its not so simple. Sitcoms like How I Met your Mother and F.R.I.E.N.D.S play on the question which  is on the mind of very single person on this planet – 

When will I meet the right person and more importantly how will I know ?.

There is a romantic answer when it happens when it happens but as a Engineer/MBA I had to drill it down to a formula. ( ya right :P )

Here goes 5 Cs of the perfect relationship

Chemistry:- The first spark in any relationship is the irresistible attraction which is often irrational when hormones begin to rage. Chemistry has a role to play in a relationship, unfortunately people attach to much importance to it than needed as youth/looks are transient.  

Compatibility:- I never believe the old adage opposites attract. A shared context and values which can take a relationship forward when the heady attraction subsides. The question comes into my mind is do you see yourself with this person 50 years from now.

Convergence:- Sometimes we meet the right kind of person and we do seem to get along like fire but then unfortunately there is no convergence in goals or dreams. Such kind of relationships are quite troublesome while you do want to make them work but the burden of killing your dreams doesn't make them worth it. Long distance relationships often brings in long lasting cracks instead.

Communication: In every relationship, there are bound to be disagreements and small annoying flaws, but the only way to deal with them is open dialogue and communication. Talking aloud makes all the difference. I am not saying ranting and going ballistic is going to help, but soft spoken objective interactions can go a long way in soothing nerves and making that difference.

Conviction: People today lack the patience and conviction to make a relationship work. Its all lovey-dovey at first, but at the first sign of trouble, people crumble and seek the exit route. This only leads to a series of unfulfilled relationships which leaves one emotionally exhausted. In life there are bound to be ups and downs, it is better to have that one anchored relationship which can help you navigate through life instead of drifting aimlessly.

Finally be it a man or a woman have faults, its remarkable how two imperfect beings seek a perfect relationship. But by adhering these 5 principles, any relationship can be improved greatly.

The Striver and Drifter

Yesterday I watched 2 interesting movies Black Swan and 7 Khoon Maaf. This post is not a movie review per say but looking closer at the title characters played by Natalie Portman (Nina) and Priyanka Chopra (Suzanna) and how they represent 2 distinct character types the striver and the drifter.

The Striver: Nina is a good ballet dancer who has had an unremarkable career for almost 4 years. Her dream is become the lead dancer and achieve glory and perfection. When she gets the dream role her real ordeal begins. The rest of movie looks at how coming so close to achieving her dream changes her equations with her family, friends and her own self worth.

Characteristics of a striver

• Extremely passionate, hardworking and ambitious person 
• The ambition is very lofty and borders on almost unhealthy obsession 
• Unfortunately hard work is no substitute in some cases for raw talent. 
• The person focuses too much on skill/techniques than you stop enjoying life 
• Family and friends become secondary, that you are like a horse with blinkers 
• You lose perspective and unable to handle failure or pressure. 
• A striver often ends up hurting oneself emotionally than any enemy ever could. 

Needless to say, although ambition, drive is essential for one to succeed in one’s chosen field, but an unhealthy obsession doesn’t helps cause. Sometimes person does not even know his/her own key strengths and her purpose in life and may be chasing some fancy or living out a parent’s unfulfilled dreams.

The Drifter: Suzanna is a woman with considerable beauty and wealth at her disposal. In her quest for true love, she constantly re-invents herself to match up to her current husband/lover. E.g.: becoming a rocker girl for her rock star boyfriend, a deep interest in Urdu when she courts a poet. She soon finds something wrong in her life and she kills her husband and but soon enough she is optimistic again to pursue true love.

Characteristics of a drifter

• A distinct lack of an ambition/ focus in life
• Although natural talent helps one achieve his/her short term goals there is no real effort to achieve perfection
• Prone to blame others for one’s problems with a victim complex
• Extremely fickle minded, today want to become a swimmer tomorrow a violin player.
• Unable to break a vicious self destructive pattern in life

The Real world: Although each of us really wants to achieve success in our chosen field, success has several components: - skill, efforts, networking, ability to unlearn and relearn, luck and patience.

Sometimes we may just not have what it takes to reach the pinnacle. Although millions want to become a Sachin Tendulkar or a Roger Federer only a handful will ever reach that space.

But it is certain neither a drifter or a striver will ever be happy in life as their approach is very much skewed. Ironically although a drifter and striver seem very different on the surface but what they are doing is actually the same thing. Having a fixed pattern in life and keep repeating it over and over.

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different result - Albert Einstein

PS: What I really thought about the two movies;
Black Swan an amazing concept well executed and great performance by Natalie Portman and others.
7 Khoon Maaf is tad gimmickry driven, although the premise is interesting it is led down by predictable linear screen play. Although Priyanka Chopra was valiant enough to attempt this but the role was way out of her league.

The travails of the 21st Century workplace

Even though, a young professional of 25-26 years of age earns more than what his/her parent draws as a monthly salary, there is little to suggest there is more happiness or prosperity in today’s life. Just got me wondering in spite of increased salaries and better facilities and a 2 day weekend, what is going so awry?

Longer Work hours

Then: In the old days, it was about punching in 8 hours a day. Come in at 9 am and leave by 5 pm dropping everything in hand.

Now:we have flexi timings – you can come in when you want but cannot leave till your manager wants :P sounds lot like Hotel California.

Competitive Workplace and Title Race

Then: Parents worked years at the same role and looked up to becoming an assistant manage or DGM. Time bound promotions was the norm with no critical appraisals. The title held a lot of respect and honor and it took years to achieve it.

Now: you have 6 monthly appraisals and all your achievements are brushed off and you are told you barely meet expectations and made to fight for your rightful compensation. Funnily titles/ designations are thrown a plenty. How 25-26 years become senior consultants / AVPs are beyond me. 

Where are the perks/benefits really ?

Then: Even if the take home salary in a govt. job, life time pension, job security, access to medical care/insurance and affordable living quarters ensured a higher quality of life.

Now: Although the monthly pay-packet may seem bigger, paying for medical care and financial planning post retirement are big questions which need to be addressed.

Traffic and long commutes

Now: the explosion in traffic and infrastructure projects means it takes longer to commute to and fro. Believe me getting struck in traffic for hours adds to the daily misery after a long day at work.

Financial independence is now taken for granted – since jobs a plenty

Then: Getting a job was tougher, also the Indian economy was growing lot slower and in a license raj driven environment, career advancement was very slow and steady. People were genuinely grateful to be employed.

Now: With job hops and campus placements, people today haven't really seen struggle in their life, financial independence has become much easier;

How to reclaim the happiness and avoid work related stress ?

Increasingly people are turning to alcohol, binge eating, insane partying and shopping to cope with the emptiness in life. A few sensible ones turn to spirituality or new age gurus like Sri Sri and the Art of Living. There is an acknowledgement there needs to more than just professional life in a person's life.

It is important to re view relationships with family, spouse and friends which is losing prominence in 21^st work life culture and make amends. Its ironic when some one is unhappy, he/she stops doing what they love best. Anyway its never too late to re-claim your life.

Pick up again on your hobby, call that old friend and relive the fun times. Take the vacation, learn to worry less, leave office early for a change. Remember money is important but not everything in life. Opt for work from home when possible. Watch movies, read books go for a romantic date, hit a gym, do something for the society. Do solid financial planning and retire soon.

There are 100 different dimensions to you outside to your professional life. Learn to embrace it and set yourself free.

Don't measure everything in terms of Return on Investment but learn to take decisions based on Return on Life - ( Quote reference – Jamal/Quebin)

P.S : I confess I am yet to reach this stage but let today be the first day in my new life.

Who mourns for the little people ?

Few weeks back saw a 1962 B- movie Tarzan goes to India on HBO. It is set in 1920's and how the British Raj is building a dam which is going to destroy villages and destroy the natural habitat of 300 elephants and how Tarzan saves the day. With Feroz Khan and Simi Grewal playing the roles of loyal engineer and princess all the India stereotypes were firmly in place. But 2 points stood out for me in this movie,

• the villain says in large projects like these human life is the cheapest commodity.

• In the end Tarzan saves the elephants and also ensures the dam project is completed to ensure people doesn't suffer from famines in future.

Remarkable nothing has changed, the colonial power now has a corporate face in 2011.

Displacement is not easy; Imagine you have to vacate your home, your locality where you been lived for decades and made to push off to a new place, find new means of employment and resettle your children. The government will compensate you pittance (3-5 Lakhs) and the same place your house once stood will become a real estate gold mine because some automobile or IT company is going to set up shop there will make crores. your sleepy taluka becomes a noisy, bustling place with restaurants and discos to cater to young brats who will spend 5000 rupees for a new year's eve party and that is your monthly income after toiling in the sun in farms.

Economists and business journalists sit n judgment to say its easier to do business in China than in India. The fact is in China people are displaced discreetly without any bad press coverage. But India being the rambunctious democracy has its own unique challenges. Once trouble starts to brew NGOs and politicians who will make noise and draw mileage to themselves. Countless examples from Adarsh, Bangalore land grab by Yedurappa and sons and Narayan Rane clearly shows the connivance of the political class. As tribal rights are violated by mining and steel companies in states like Orissa and Jharkhand Naxalism will continue to rise its vicious head. Suddenly the government is at war against its own people and its a blame game between corporates and local political leaders.

This is battle between 2 Indias, one described by President Obama which are already 'emerged' and the other India which is still 'submerged' to get access to basics like clean water, education and medical care. Its is a battle of greed versus survival with corruption and political patronage suppressing the discordant voices. The difference is getting even starker with each big project may it be a new airport, nuclear power project or campus for new IT company.

There must stronger laws to protect the poor, as land grabbing has become an instrument for illegal wealth creation and politician patronage. While forced displacements for development and progress is inevitable but business houses and governments must eschew greed and arrive at an equitable solution which can take both Indias ahead.

Hoping in the years to come words like sustainability and corporate social responsibilities does not remain just embellished phrases on annual reports and translates into real action. Hoping for a geniune change in 2011.

First Love

Bittu was very excited today because she was going to come home today. He always hated his mom's music classes for years. But for past few weeks his mind had changed.
He never believed in love or cheesier concepts of love at first sight, but he was having second thoughts now. There was something about her which drew him so explicitly.

He was never uncomfortable with attention before. Girls had always found him cute and loved to pull his cheeks. He totally hated that but he was ready to make an exception
for her. Although he was so excited with the new feelings but he was bit confused. Life had become fuzzy in the last few weeks, it became the waits between the times she would
come in for her singing classes.

Man, she had the voice and the eyes of an angel. He worried if she knew how he felt, also if she felt the same way. Somehow he wanted a way to know how. One thing he knew asking
her out straight away would be too risky, play it cool. Next time, she came over he asked her, he greeted her, She replied “Hi Bittu how are you ?”, hmmm Sona you err...want to watch a movie.
“Sure only if you will you buy me popcorn?. but only Caramel ok". Man that was easy, Bittu thought with a sigh of relief.
His feelings were not hidden from his parents, especially his Mom.Mom asked what “Bittu challa (loads) feelings for Sona aah ?”. Bittu blushed taken in partly by surprise mostly by shock.
But slowly he admitted “yes I love her. Mom should I tell her?” Mom said “ No Beta let me talk to her, waise aren't you too young for this?”.
Next time Sona came for classes, Bittu was hiding in his room peeking with anxiety and excitement what will she said. But Mom knows best. She asked “Sona will you marry my Bittu?”
Ouch, very subtle Mom so very subtle, there goes any chance of even looking at her face to face forget giving this relationship a chance. Sona blushed for a second, she said
“why not Aunty, Bittu is so cute”. Wow that was easy. Days went by, as we spent time together life seemed perfect. But one day everything came crashing down....

Sona's mother came over one day. She came with sweets and greeted Mom. “Charulatha, Sona's marriage is fixed, boy is MBA and works with the IT industy and works in Gurgaon.Ladka is very nice”.
Mom said, “ great news Saritha, good good so Sona will relocate then.” Bittu felt he got hit by lighting. The feelings and dreams which felt so real came crumbling down.

That devilish girl, she led me on for so long. Why? My parents instead of raging and taking my side, are congrating that girl and her family. Is this what love stands for? Why was I such a fool?
Even though, the bitter pill of betrayal was hard to take, his undying love for Sona was even more hurtful. Why could he not forget her, why does she still seem the angel he fell for.

Sure she was older than him, She 23 years old and him all of 4 years.

Love still hurts doesnt it. Yes Bittu will learn to love again, but that first flush of emotions will always remain special. First Love indeed :-)

PS: Loosely based on a true story

The Return of the Mass Hero

An interesting phenomenon has returned to Indian Cinema, last month has seen 2 mass hero centric movies Dabangg and Endhiran (Robot) smash all box offices records gaining both mass and class approval. The remarkable thing is not the amount of money these movies made but the fact that the so called critics has given up the condescending attitude and cheered for these movies.

The Formula

All mass hero flicks have a typical premise, an underdog takes on the evil system and array of evil villains and wins in the end. The heroine will always be a super hottie who will fall for the non-conventional looking hero. There is comedy, awesome fight scenes and even more awesome punch dialogues. The masses in tier 2 and tier 3 cities lap this up and experience tremendous joy. Cinema separates them from their daily grind and lives; it gives them hope and cheer that one day they shall also triumph. Even if they don’t, they closely identify with their hero and live out their aspirations through them. Probably Hindi cinema’s only popular mass hero was Amitabh in the 70s, with anti system movies like Trishul, Dewaar, Sholay and Don. The angry young man worked.

Brand Rajni

There are lots of Chuck Norris forwards which are recycled and attributed to Rajni and they seem to brand him as the Mithun Da of the Tamil Industry. But what people fail to recognize is the meticulous care with which he manages his brand equity.

Rajni in spite of being a Super star has made just 6 movies in the last since 1997. He endorses no brands because a demi-god cannot be seen peddling cars, chocolates or DTH TV connections. Each of his movie release is a festival since fans wait to get a glimpse of his movies. There is music, dancing and celebrations. Tickets of price Rs70 were sold just for the movie trailer release functions; such is the mania of the man. It is like a semi-cult status he enjoys but when he tried to dabble in politics he burned his fingers with Baba in 2002 being his big flop in decades. He learned his lesson and become apolitical.

At 61 years, the man can headline a 160 crores budget regional movie which steamrolls over Bollywood biggies like 3 idiots and Dabangg at the box office.

The Magic of Cinema

There is a class of people who always condemn commercial cinema and find it cool to endorse the new age cinema. But people don’t realize that the vast sections have miserable real lives outside, they don’t want to see stories of gritty farmer suicides, unhappy marriages or other social issues. They want escapism and a hero with whom they can identify with. They want to see winners not whiners, they want to see a hero with roguish charm and are tired of metro-sexual heroes . The era of mass heroes is truly back in vogue.

Chitti the robot, Chulbul Pandey the corrupt cop and Ranchodas the rebel engineering whiz rule the roost now, the pseudo NRIs Rahul and Raj can take a hike.

Once upon a Time ...

There was once a time, when I was first introduced to the term “generation gap” and I was on the right side of it. I was the young generation and parents never understood us. Now as time has passed and the new Facebook generation taking over, I have already started feeling the effects of being on the wrong side. I grew up as a kid in late 80’s and all through 90’s. I had my first computer only in my second year of engineering and learned about yahoo messenger in as late as 2004 (total technology laggard J ).

Life has changed a lot in India since 1991, and liberalization has touched our lives profoundly. So here goes.

Friends

Then: We had 1 best friend and 4-5 good friends and a dozen hi-bye friends

Now: we have 500 friends on orkut, 350 friends on facebook and some lost souls who still use yahoo messenger or hotmail God knows why?

Television

Then: I had one television channel Doordarshan and my black and white EC TV had only 1 channel, so to watch Thunderball and Johny Soko and the Giant Robot I had to go to my neighbor’s house to watch DD II.

Now: We have 32 inch LCD TVs and DTH connections, but who watches TV today it’s the boring same old Saas bahu and Reality shows crap. We watch only sports or new channels occasionally.

Relationships

Then: If you liked a girl, you had to call her landline and pray to god, her Dad didn’t pick up and you had to identify yourself. Getting into a relationship was a big deal and you had to face lots of parental pressure.

Now: you can IM her, sms her, scrap her, leave her a message on FB and if things move voice / video chat with her with no fear of Dad Mom or bhaiya ! Although life is much easier, the thrill of the older days kahan ! Breaking up is so easy; falling in and out of love is very common. Your parents are glad you aren’t gay and you have found a person of the opposite gender.

Music /Movies

Then: You had a 2 in 1 National Panasonic or Sanyo player; you purchased cassettes and heard them over and over again. If you are well off you had a VCR and played VHS tapes on it.

Now: You have DVD players, VCD players which you hardly use, you have laptops and external hard disks but you end up watching movies and listening to music on you new shiny Apple iPod.

Cinema Theaters

Then: Single screens ruled the roost, 30 rupees stall and 50 rupees balcony seemed expensive, 20 rupees for pop-corn which looks pretty oily and manufactured from a sidey location. To watch an English Movie, you had to go to Regal or Sterling in South Mumbai. The only English movie we knew was Terminator and Rambo and Arnold and Stallone were our favorite English Actors J

Now: We only go to multiplexes now as low brow crowd go to single screens and playing 200 bucks per ticket is no big deal, pop-corn looks much better but it costs twice as much a balcony ticket in the old days. The theatre name is no longer a brand nowadays its PVR, INOX, Fun Cinemas or IMAX. Sadly Metro, Basant and New Vijay are closed now to become shopping centers and surviving few relegated to screening Bhojpuri movies.

Sports /Games

Then: We all played cricket in the summers and when it rained we would be miserable and play football for a change. Our first and cherished video games were Mario, Contra and Duck Hunt.

Now: Now hardly kids play outside and are glued to the computer or the cell phone. Multi player games like Counterstrike or games like God of War, Grand theft auto rule the roost. The era of couch potatoes is truly upon us.

Although I agree life has gotten lot easier since I was a kid, but the simple pleasures of life have been robbed from this generation. Kids are experiencing failures in relationships and peer pressure in whole different ways than the past. Social networking sites have made people lives so open to strangers to the point of becoming a tamasha. The business of relationship status or discussing personal life thread bare on a social networking site is frankly beyond me. That apart, spending money in malls, restaurants or branded clothes has become little too easy, the pocket money comes more easily as parents have little time to spend with them.

Today whenever I see a teenage guy sitting with his girl friend and having a fight in a food-court in a mall somewhere, I feel glad to have grown up in the early 90s J when life was lot easier.